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scorched_goat

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ride [Jul. 26th, 2010|04:47 am]
scorched_goat
i know that nobody's reads this and in a way that very comforting. i feel like my life is at a stand still right now. i have a college degree but can't do shit with it. i like my job but the possibility of advancement or raise anytime soon is nil. i still miss rachael. i always hated those people that hadn't been with their ex in a long time and were still in love with them and now i am one of them. its weird every time i think to myself i haven't thought about rachael in a while its always because i see something that reminds me of her. every time i see the type of car she drives or drove, every time i see the tv show intervention, everytime i listen to the decemberists or ben harper. i guess in my mind i feel like if i find someone else it will help get me over her but i don't think thats the case. i haven't called, texted, emailed her in almost a year but for some reason i still can't stop thinking about her. i don't know if it was because i was in love with her or because i was in love with her before we ever got together when we were just friends. sometimes i just want to call her and make sure her life is going okay. maybe just to see if she ever got things worked out with her dad but i don't want to be one of those guys that calls their ex and then their boyfriend thinks that they are still trying to get back together with them. i don't know who her new boyfriend is but as long as he's treating her right then thats okay with me. also, i don't want her to think that i'm still in love with her even though i am. its some kind of weird boy/girl weakness thing. its like if she knows that i'm still in love with her then she will never talk to me again. i know its weird but thats how relationships are. i've dated 2 girls since rachael and i haven't had the same feelings with them that i ever did with her and i don't like that. i dont want to compare everygirl that i ever date or am going to date in the future to her but for some reason so far that has happened. i'm just waiting for the right person to come along and maybe all this anxiety over rachael will hopefully end when i find someone i love just as much as i loved her.
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burn [Aug. 24th, 2009|07:31 pm]
scorched_goat

okay so for the past 6 months that me and rachael have been broken up I couldn't bring myself to throw away this card she got me for valentines day and also cut something out that she wrote in a book that she gave me. everytime i tried just something kept holding me back. i would just sit there with it in my hand and then eventually i would just put it back on my shelf. i think maybe that in my mind there was a possibility that we could get back together and i just didnt want to throw it away especially what she wrote in the book that she gave me. its everything that i always wanted a human being to say that they felt about me. she was all i had ever wanted for the longest time. the first time we slept together i finally understood what everyone says about making love not just fucking. it was that "making love". then when she broke up with me and then 3 months later she already is dating someone i else i knew that it was over but for some reason i could not throw the stuff away. i really did love her with all of my heart there are a million things that i did during the relationship that i would do different but i can't still be in love with her anymore because its really tearing me apart and controlling my life how much i miss her. i feel like bus driver stu on pete and pete when he broke up with bus driver sally and everything that he did would remind him of her. i love the quote in forgetting sarah marshall when jason segel and mila kunis are on that cliff and he says "maybe it's good that they broke up with us, because it makes you feel invincible." i love that so much because getting your heart broken is one of the hardest things in life but if you can get past it then it makes you such a better person because of all of the stuff you have learned from it. so getting back to the point of this blog. i took the card and i cut that section out of the book where she wrote things a few hours ago and i took them outside and burnt them. thats right i didn't just throw them away i burnt them and it felt sooooo cathartic. i saw the smoke rising in the air and i didn't feel peace or anything like that but in a way i felt like i'm on my way to moving past this part of my life and that's really all i can do for right now, and in way thats really enough.


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bleep bloop [Jul. 17th, 2009|06:46 pm]
scorched_goat
eh she's already with another dude after breaking up with me because she says didn't want to be in a relationship. i feel like such a tool. but whatever she'll get her comeuppence i feel sorry for the dude because she's just using him like she used me.
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rambling.rambling.rambling.rambling. [May. 1st, 2009|09:41 pm]
scorched_goat
resisting the urge to call or text. seeing you put a pit in my stomach i don't think thats a good thing. why is it that 2 people can never be the in full amount of love with each other?  why do i feel like my life is a rundown of things that i'm just waiting to accomplish and i never will? miss her more than anything and it hurts inside so bad. why do some people find it so easy to cast people out who actually love them. why can't they confront what they fear head on. is there such a thing as actual love? i do believe so. will i ever find it again? maybe. how can my grandparents still be together after 50 years? that gives me hope that you can love someone for that long. you must looks to the past to realize what the future could be. still resisting the urge to call or text. its not easy. all i want is to see your face and for you to get that feeling that only exists in the movies. does that feeling even really exist?can something exist if it turns out not to be true. why is love so complicated? why can't it people just be in love and just live off of that. the feeling of being in love is so exciting and great i guess thats why it hurts so bad when it is finally over.over.over.over.over.over.still resisting the urge and resistance is futile as they say but you know what fuck them. what do they know? sometimes i think that not having feelings would make the world a better place but then i think of the first time i saw you and i have to disagree. over.over.over.over.
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onward!!!!! [Apr. 8th, 2009|02:44 am]
scorched_goat
wow just had an intense argument with rachael. it was hopefuly the last argument. am i wrong to want a really expensive necklace i bought for her back. i mean i know it was a gift but she broke up with me and not even in person. i feel like i should get it back.

not only that but i had to tell her everything i have been holding in for so long. i mean sometimes i know you have to take the higher road but i just couldnt hold it in anymore. i felt like i was going to go crazy if i didnt get it off my chest. i do regret saying some of it. but jesus i feel so much better now. its like i have been hurting so much for the past few weeks and i just wanted her to know the same hurt. and that she cant do that to people. i have been on the verge of an anxiety attack. its been awful.

love just does that sometimes to people. i guess. thats when you can tell that it was actually love. with melanie i was hurt but not for long. with rachael im still hurting and i really dont feel it going away although tonight was a big step.

but onward with life this summer is gonna be so much fun
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maybe you should estimate me [Jul. 2nd, 2008|09:53 pm]
scorched_goat
what is your definition of a bad date? Well i went on a date with this girl whom i met through a girl i work with. she was a very pretty girl but the date did not go well. first of all she talks non stop about her ex-boyfriend. all the while i'm thinking to myself " i could give a shit less if your ex boyfriend walked on the moon". then while we are talking she says "to tell you the truth i do see me and my ex boyrfriend getting back together someday." now i mean who the fuck says that on a first date. from then on i could instantly care less what she was talking about. i pretty much zoned her out. i guess the biggest clue that it was a bad date was a old lady crashed her car into the building across the street while we were outside having coffee if thats not a sign i don't know what is. oh well it was probably for the best anyway i mean she talked about going to see the movie "what happens in vegas" and actually liking it. anyone who goes to see an ashton kutcher movie and actually enjoys it is definatly not my type. then she says she doesnt care for weezer or the simpsons. i mean i wasn't a dick about anything i'm so non confrontational i just sat there and agreed with everything she said and then after the date quickly made my getaway. i mean i did kind of have high expectations because it was my first real date since melanie which has been almost 2 years but it was for the best to tell you the truth i know i would have been miserable with her. but one good thing did come out of it. she actually said something that was very stupid that i plan on putting in my short film. oh well i'm not in any rush for any kind of relationship so heres hoping the next one goes better.
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JUNE 24TH [Apr. 22nd, 2008|04:01 pm]
scorched_goat

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i need to get inside your head [Dec. 20th, 2007|01:44 pm]
scorched_goat
well heres an update.....

chris (my boss) is letting me edit an angel tree promo for the station. its basically thanking people for giving to the angel tree. this may not seem like huge deal to anyone else but it is too me that he would trust me to actually edit something that will air. i'm pretty sure he's letting me do it because he liked the promo for class about the station.

christmas is christmas thats all i can say about that

i'm pretty sure i passed everything this semester...yay now 2 semesters to go

hung out with some old friends last friday and had a great time

sent my short film to the atlanta film festival finally and i will hear back on valentines day if i got in....cross your fingers.

rivers cuomo's solo disc rocks BLAST OFF!
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i'm the motherflippin' rhymenoceros [Sep. 1st, 2007|09:57 pm]
scorched_goat
well, school started back and it sucks i have 1 class at 9:30 in the morning and 1 night class at 5:30 at night on tuesdays and thursdays and i have 1 online class. the first week was so horrible. waking up early sucks. i'm too used to working 2nd shift. i hope i get used to it within the next few weeks.

i submitted my short film to the atlanta film festival. i'm really excited but also really nervous. i'm not getting my hopes too high so if it doesnt happen i wont feel like a udder disapointment. the entry fee was 30 dollars which seems kind of outragous considering i might not get in but oh well i'm never going to get anywhere in life if i dont take risks. thats what this whole ordeal that i just went through just taught me.

i finally got all the locations for my next short film and i got all them for free. i got all the actors for free too. i may have to have a small part in it just to fill the last actor role but oh well. i wish we had a better camera but matts works well enough for me. i think we are planning to start filming in 3 weeks.

jo$h
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life and shit [Jul. 11th, 2007|12:42 am]
scorched_goat
is it just me or does it feel like you reach and reach for stuff in life and you never get it. i just found out today that i cant even if i take the rest of my classes this year i wont graduate until next year because one class is only available every other year. where the fuck is this degree going to get me. it will get me exactly nowhere. it just looks good on a resume. everytime time i go to my advisor he tries to get me to take like 30 hours. i already almost had a nervous breakdown last semester from an overload. when the fuck will school ever end. i had to turn own the directing position at work because of it. at the time i thought it was the right decision but noq i dont even know. it just gets sad when i see all my friends accomplishing so much. shannon is living in manhatton, brady is living in spain, and jackson going to medical school in california really make me put my life in perspective and see that i need to do something with it soon. my problem is i'm too afraid to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. i know im only 23 but it feels like my life is being wasted right now. i need to go and so something about it.
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